I received a message today that there is a hole that has been dug on my mother’s grave. I am guessing that they are getting ready to place her tombstone on the plot. Having the stone placed seems so final. It’s the finishing touch to her life. Our last gift to her. It’s fitting that it will be in the ground in time for Thanksgiving since it was always her favorite holiday and my brother and I and all four of her grandchildren will be at my Aunt’s house so we can see it.
I am looking forward to going to the cemetery and seeing it in the ground. The last time I was there was the day we buried her. The whole day is now a bit of a blur. I remember dragging my brother around to look at different stones in the rain, so that we had a general idea of what we wanted. I keep trying to bring myself back to the days surrounding my mother’s passing, but it all is hazey. There are details I remember so vividly and other’s that I cannot for the life of me recall. I know that when I am ready I will begin to remember those things or maybe I will realize that they aren’t important. I know with time healing will be complete and things will move on.
I have to wonder if a time will come when my brother and I are close again or if the damage done during my mom’s illness is beyond repair. I truly never imagined that we would end up worlds apart. If a year ago you told me I would come to a crossroads in the relationship I have with him I would never have believed it. I would have said you were crazy. Now that I am at the point it’s hard to imagine that we could ever fix this.
I am not angry. I do not think of him badly, truth be told I just don’t think about him much at all anymore. When I do it with a heavy heart, because I truly thought we would always be close. I do hope that someday things will change, but right now I just don’t have the energy or the desire to try to work through things. Even as I say it, it sounds selfish and cold, but I am at the point where I need to focus my attention on the here and now. I need to put myself and my family first.
I realize now that when my mom died I lost more than just my mom. I faced changes in just about every relationship that I have. Not all the changes were negative. I have become much closer with many of my friends and my aunt, but I have also lost people. People that I had hoped would always be there. I am sure there will come a time when some of those relationships will change again, but for now I am just trying to catch my breath. Maybe those relationships changed because they are reminders of the worst day of my life, maybe I am a reminder to them of that day. Once we have healed separately maybe we can begin again or maybe the damage is too deep.
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The many many goodbyes can be bring both release and another way of grief. Like you, I found that dad’s death was like a wave that swept many things away and left many others changed. At first I felt very angry at many friends who stayed away. As time went on I have forgiven them, understood, but I am not sure I will ever feel enough to invest much in some of them again. All my other relationships with family members have also be shaken up and there are days when I could scream with frustration and yet at the same time I have the acute sense of what family means to me. I don’t know what happened with your brother but I would take the time, sometime when you have the strength, to dig for what you feel and if you would like to mend things, give it a go. It may be that things can not be mended but I think life is far too short to risk being left with regret.
You are right life is way too short to live with regret.
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