Took a Minute to Grieve

But some emotions don’t make a lot of noise. It’s hard to hear pride. Caring is real
faint – like a heartbeat. And pure love – why, some days it’s so quiet, you
don’t even know it’s there. – Erma Bombeck

My mom’s house went on the market in July. The realtor insisted that I empty out her garage. That was no small task. After my mom passed away in May, I spent every weekend having garage sales. I sold a lot of my own things to make room for my moms. Despite how much I sold her garage was filled to the brim with things I intended on selling. I began the process of moving it from her garage to mine. I weeded out things that would go to good will and I took two trips with a filled minivan to Goodwill. I consolidated everything into my garage with the intention of having more garage sales. I haven’t had a single yard sale since I filled my garage and now that my son is playing lacrosse on Friday and Saturday’s I no longer have the time or the desire to have yard sales.

Today I decided to take back my garage. I truly missed parking in it. I spent the entire day working on it. I packed 2 boxes filled with dishes for families that the church told me needs them. My car is now packed with the dishes, a rug and a mirror for that family. I took two loads to goodwill. I brought chairs, toys, clothes and small appliances. Then began the process of adding the rest to my basement. The trouble was that my basement has been filled with all the items of my mom’s that I want to keep for myself, or I thought someone else in my family might want. I decided the best course of action was to organize that before I began adding to it.

I started by going through what was already there. It’s amazing what memories flooded through me. I tried to push my thoughts aside and I really thought I was doing well until I decided to take a break. My version of a break was to drive to goodwill for my first drop off. On my way I called my grandmother. She answered and was instantly very cold. I pretended I had no idea why she was upset. The truth is I knew exactly what she was thinking. She is angry. She’s mad that her daughter died and she’s pissed that I never call. The reality of the situation is that the phone rings both ways. It doesn’t occur to her to pick up the phone and call me and yet she is angry with me for not calling her. Suddenly, I was angry too. My Aunt recently told me that my grandmother no longer has the will to live. I just wanted to scream, my mom didn’t want to die and now here my grandmother is wasting the time she has left on petty grievances. Instead of either one of us yelling or bringing up our feelings toward each I began to cry. I told her that I am dreading the holidays and the tears began to flow. My cheeks were flushed as the warmth of the tears heated them. The all too familiar lump formed in my throat. At that moment I realized that my grandmother doesn’t call me and I avoid calling her because it’s too hard. The wounds are too fresh. We are each other’s reminder of all that was good in my mom. By talking we are aware that our grief is something we share. We cannot protect each other from this loss. When I am not talking to my grandmother it is easy for me to feel like I am alone in my grief. As soon as hear her voice I grieve not only for the loss of my mother, but for my grandmother’s loss of her child.  We ended the call on a good note and I felt drained. It was as if the all the emotions of the day hit me at once. I sat for a minute in the parking lot of goodwill before donating my items, it was bad enough that I was in old sweatpants and a tee-shirt. The poor worker didn’t also need to see me cry. I got it together and dropped the items off.

“There are moments in life, when the heart is so full of emotion That if by chance it
be shaken, or into its depths like a pebble Drops some careless word, it
overflows, and its secret, Spilt on the ground like water, can never be gathered
together. – Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

On the drive back to my house I thought about my grief and how surprised I am every time it sets in. I know that I really shouldn’t be surprised, but my life seems to be a work in progress at the moment. I got home and spent the rest of the day getting things organized. I finally sat for a moment and thought I could fall asleep instantly and then I went upstairs. One of the cruel facts of life is that no matter how you work on one part of your house, the rest of the house still needs to be tended to. I had neglected the rest of the house this weekend because I have battled a migraine and a UTI for the past three days. I began tackling dishes, laundry and the mess that my children made. It is now 8:30pm and I am exhausted. It is a good exhaustion a lot got done and I took a minute to grieve.

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