God Gives us Rainbows

We may encounter many defeats but we must not be defeated.

- Maya Angelou

It possible that it’s just the lack of sleep and that my brain’s not properally functioning yet or maybe it was the letter asking God to take a few things off my plate, but I feel like I have finally come to grips with certain things in my life. I seemed to have woken up with a new outlook. I decided to write about it in hopes that it’s not just the lack a sleep that I have truly been able to let go.

I am not really sure where to start, but this year has been the hardest year of my entire life. It’s not just that I lost my mother, but I have lost 3 other people who meant the world to me. The first left my life not by choice, she was taken from all of us. One day we were laughing and talking about having a girls night out and the next she developed strep that became flesh-eating and four days later she passed away at the age of 40. My grief over the loss of Katie was very difficult. It was the first time I had ever lost a friend. I think that by giving her eulogy, reading a memorial at her tree dedication and most important caring for her kids after her death helped me to get past her death. It’s not that I don’t think about her and miss her, but I can think back and smile instead of cry.

The second one made me angry, really angry. This loss began when my mom was put in ICU last year. A relative decided that she knew what was best when it came to my mom. She wanted my family to send my mom to rehab. The one that is on TV, I think it’s called the show is called intervention. For the first time in my life I said no to someone in my family. It was a major turning point for me in many ways. I had spent decades trying to get my mom into a rehab that would work. She  was actually in rehab three times and it never worked. I felt I was blindsided by a call I was put on with a person from the rehab, and three other relatives. Although I was angry, I listened. At the end of the call there was a pretty heated debate. I stood firm. My mom was at the point that one drink of even robitussin would kill her. SHe was in diapers and completely humiliated by the circumstance, plus the doctor’s weren’t even sure you would make it out of ICU. An intervention with my entire family telling my mom why she need to go to this rehab was ridiculous. She was faced with her death and I was supposed to tell her all the reasons why rehab would be helpful now. The interventionist even said his facility was not equipped to care for a person with her medical issues. Rehab is for people who can be saved by not drinking. My mom needed to focus on her illness and take it one day at a time. This did not go over well and although I refused to send her and my mom never found out about this battle, my relationship with this relative has been altered beyond repair. Despite how much she claimed to care for my mom she didn’t call her or come to see her once in the year she was sick. She didn’t even bother to drive the two hours to PA when I brought my mom in March. She sent me an email saying that I was closed minded and silent. I never replied. I felt that silence was the best response and I have not heard from her since. Yesterday I let myself be sad because she didn’t so much as send an email wishing Quinn a happy birthday. Last night I made the decision that I will no longer let her have the power to upset me. I will no longer let the fact that she couldn’t be bothered to say a word to me during my mother’s funeral and now she has taken herself even further out of my life by choosing to be silent when it comes to my kids. Kids that adore her. This morning I am accepting that we are not meant to be close any more and that my focus will only be on her kids. Two children that I adore and am sad to think will be affected by this disconnect.

The last is a friendship that I really thought was unbreakable. It is one that to look back on is bittersweet. It’s a friendship that developed slowly. It’s weird because where I normally have trust issues, but in this case I didn’t. It seemed like we had been friends all our lives. I looked forward to each conversation and I always felt understood and respected. It was a new feeling for me. It was the first time I felt like I could be myself completely and I desperately needed that. It really seemed to end abruptly after my mom passed. I am really not even sure why. I will always be grateful for the friendship it was like a safety vest when your ship is sinking. It was something I knew I could count on. I didn’t think I would ever come to terms with the fact that we have lost touch. This morning I woke up and realized that sometimes letting go is the only thing we can do. I have no bad feelings, I never have. Instead I have always been grateful for our friendship. I have a new outlook today. I seem to be able to think of the friendship and know it was what I needed at the time. It even gave me an insight into myself that I didn’t have before. Although, I will forever be grateful, I have realized that I can stand on my own two feet and the friends and family that I have always been close to are with me when I need someone.

Today is going to be a good day. Letting go and moving on is crucial and for the first time in a long time I am able to do that. All of the good memories will stay with me and the rest I let slip away. Today I feel renewed and energized. I look forward to taking on this day.

“God puts rainbows in the clouds so that each of us- in the dreariest and most dreaded moments- can see a possibility of hope.” Maya Angelou

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